Computer vs Woman | |
|---|---|
| Computer | Woman |
| doesn't talk (much, yet) | talks constantly |
| does what you tell it | often asks "why" or says "no" |
| does EXACTLY what you tell it | often intelligent |
| hard metal case | soft skin |
| disk drives stay the same size | vagina stretches over time |
| standardized parts | each wants something different |
| comes with manuals | how the hell does this thing work? |
| multi-function mouse | multi-function mouth |
| doesn't care if you shower | insists on cleanliness |
| many GIF, JPEG files | insists on monogamy |
| batch files automate activities | likes variety |
| sits there naked | spends money on clothes (but looks better naked) |
| looks impressive on desk | looks impressive on arm |
| can turn it off | demands attention |
| buying computer magazines helps you work with it | buying girly magazines makes it difficult to work with |
| usually grey or cream-colored | choice of several colors |
| expensive | expensive |
| upkeep minimal | upkeep a major part of budget |
| one mouse | one breast for each hand |
| parallel or serial ports in back | usually dislikes anal sex |
| no reproductive capacity | gets pregnant at awkward times |
| can help you with budget | destroys budget |
| loads of software available | two soft breasts |
| Pepsi Syndrome makes keyboard | wet spot makes woman difficult difficult to use |
| one switch turns it on | demands foreplay |
| can play games with it | will play games with you |
| operating system insures consistent behavior | rules change without warning |
| networking allows communication | if you do something stupid, all the other women know it immediately |
| "c: file not found" | "not now, I have a headache" |
| old ones look neato | old ones look ugly |
| viruses can't kill you | viruses can kill you |
| testing and comparing is expected | testing and comparing is harassment |
| having multiple ones is luxury | having multiple ones is polygamy |
| keeps you up all night because it's fun | keeps you up all night because it's bitchy |
| performs millions of logic operations per second | Doesn't perform a single logic operation in its entire life |
| produces correct conclusions faster than man | produces ridiculous conclusions faster than man |
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Kuah Wee Khai, khai@earthling.net Copyright © 1996 |